A Look Back at 2017...

Merry Christmas, 2017! :)

As my Christmas letter didn't get mailed this year, I decided to do a Christmas blog. :)

A year ago, I could never have imagined all that God has done this year. It was a year of challenges, sorrow, growing, and God doing above and beyond what I could ask or think. You see, this year as we continued our "firsts" without Dad, we were reminded again and again how precious life is, family is, and, most importantly, God is. Some of the highlights and challenges of this year include:

• learning how to better manage my health which allowed more energy and strength. The schedule and diet are stringent to manage everything, but it is well worth it.
• a wonderful family vacation to Pictured Rocks with many adventures and much laughter.
• strength to be more involved in my church which has been a blessing. 
• my first 5K. Sure... it took an hour and a half due to rough terrain, but it was wonderful to complete it! 
• an opportunity to attend the Sing!17 conference, sing in the choir, and ... sing on stage at the Grand Ole Opry! Seriously! I never dreamt I would ever have that opportunity. The entire trip was more incredible as we saw God's provision, met dear brothers and sisters in Christ, and sang in a nearly 200-person choir and with several thousand people praising God! It was indescribable to have a chance to sing with Keith and Kristyn Getty, Laura Story, Joni Erickson Tada, and many, many others. We learned so much from being in the choir as well as the conference sessions. (And... not everyone has the opportunity to do all of the above while wearing a health mask. :) )
• sorrow as my oldest brother's unexpected death again taught us to appreciate life. Our family again joined together to walk through great sorrow. 
• growing as God took us through so many ups and downs. He used each new experience to draw us closer to Him and mold us into His image.

There are pictures below of some of our adventures. 

Looking forward to 2018, I am uncertain of the future. Yet, I know Who holds the future. God will carry us through the challenges of 2018. He is faithful and His mercies are new every morning.

Behind the Mask, Part 2

A year ago, I wrote of an experience "Behind the Mask." One year later, I had another experience "Behind the Mask." This time, God showed me an example of perfect love casting out fear. (1 John 4:18)

A friend and I had the amazing opportunity to go to the Keith and Kristyn Getty SING!17 conference to learn how to help our church's music ministry more. Our excitement was high as we also were going to be in the choir for the conference and sing with many musicians we admired, even on stage at the Grand Ole Opry. We knew that worshipping with nearly 200 choir members and 5,000 in the audience not including the livestream was going to be a little piece of Heaven as we worshipped the King, our Father! :)

As we waited to begin our first choir rehearsal, my mind went back a year to the rejection I initially felt behind the mask. The past year had brought about having to wear the mask in even more situations. Would they let me sing in the choir with my health mask? Would I be rejected due to my limitations? Fears began to overcome me. My friend looked at me and held my gaze to ask a question. "Why are you here?"

"To worship God and to learn." I responded convicted.

"And where is your focus right now?" she went on.

"On my fear, limitations, and mask." I replied, sheepishly.

"Let's change that focus." she firmly but lovingly said.

Ouch. She was right. We had just been studying Ephesians 5:15-21 together in preparation for a week of music. She had decided to practice what we learned and rightfully admonished me. My fear had been overcoming my love for God.

Slowly, my focus shifted as I meditated on our God and some of the songs we were going to be singing. Choir rehearsal began. The choir director scanned his choir as we warmed up. I hate to admit that I still was a bit fearful. Would I be accepted? I watched his expression as his gaze rested on my health mask, on me. There was the slightest flicker of acknowledgement that something was different before his gaze went on to the next person.

Then, we finished the warm-up and began to sing praise to our God. The talent in the room was beyond anything I had been a part of previously. Our voices raised in full harmony to our Father. Love overcame fear; joy filled my heart until I thought it would explode. It truly was a taste of Heaven. My health mask was completely forgotten.

Throughout that week, I was accepted, mask and all. Sure... I had a few questions about it which made me chuckle from "Do you have cancer?" to "Are you paranoid about germs?" Or... when we were lining up backstage at the Grand Ole Opry and nerves were kicking in, everyone around us chuckled when I turned to ask my friend if I had anything in my teeth (not visible, obviously, under the mask) and without skipping a beat she told me I did. :) (My family and pastor even pointed out how thankful they were for the mask as it helped them locate us in the crowded choir. :) ) Throughout the week, the choir members in particular simply stepped in to help when my weakness required it, but with love, not pity.

Mainly, people simply saw me as just another member in our family praising our precious, glorious Father. :) Each person in the room had areas of brokenness for which we were eagerly awaiting our eternal Home with Jesus where we will be whole. Yet, they were forgotten as we praised the One Who will bring about this wholeness. I was no longer separated behind the mask, but one in unity with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

The last evening of the conference, Joni Eareckson Tata spoke. It was evident that after 50 years in the wheelchair serving God, she sometimes had the same difficulty with accepting and overcoming the daily, tedious struggles of living with disability. Her raw honesty was a tremendous help. She also is "behind a mask," yet whole in Christ. Perfect love casts out fear.

And so... poignant lessons were being driven home:

• I almost missed a tremendous blessing and opportunity for service by allowing my fear to overtake me instead of praising God. Focus on and praise for His perfect love overcame my fear!
• Not only are we to be exhorting and admonishing one another, but we are to be submissive to one another. We must be open to listening to our brothers and sisters of Christ to allow them to help us love and live Christ when our focus shifts.
• I must look beyond other's masks (visible and invisible) and simply love them for Christ as the precious family of God did for me that week.
• As we "turn our eyes upon Jesus," the things of earth do grow strangely dim. With our focus on Him and praising Him, joy replaces mourning; love replaces fear.

And so... I will sing praises to Him even from Behind the Mask! :) 

You are truly blessed!

Recently, on a vacation to Pictured Rocks, I was surprised by so many people telling me how courageous I was to get out to walk trails or whatever we were doing. Then, it hit me... depending on where I was and what we were doing, I had to use crutches or wear my mask in addition to my three leg braces. Indeed, I look a mess. :) The funny part was that when we took pictures, I forgot I had the mask on and smiled for the camera. Oops... :) My eyes are smiling in the pictures!

This morning, I had to do the dreaded shoe shopping - for both brace and non-brace shoes for an upcoming conference/concert. Let's just say that to me shoe shopping ranks right up there with having a root canal, or in this case, a double-root canal. Seriously! If I find shoes that fit, the cost is prohibitive. Yet... our ever-faithful God went before me and was with me. I was not shopping alone!

A store worker who really didn't have to insisted on running to the shelves to get shoes for me and became intrigued with the challenge of finding shoes that fit. She was tenacious in finding two pair of shoes and, actually, had a great eye for it. It took a very short time to find two pair of black shoes for my upcoming trip, both on sale with a coupon besides! I praised our precious Savior for this provision as it is very difficult to shoe shop alone, putting the brace on and off to get different sizes! He had met me in a shopping trip I dreaded!

As she helped me, the conversation turned to the obvious challenges I face. I briefly told of the challenges life has brought and of how God has sustained me and helped me. After hearing my story, she looked at me, mask, braces, limp and all, and said, "It strikes me that you are truly blessed!" Her comment struck me as it was obvious that God had shown through the mask, braces, and limp!

My heart sang even more! It reminded me of the verses in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "8 Concerning this, I pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away from me. 9 But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power[a]is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. 10 So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I am truly blessed! May He be the One people see when they look at me, for He has truly blessed me. 

The songs, "My Story" and "Lifesong," came to mind.

Big Daddy Weave Lyrics

Play "My Story" on Amazon Music

"My Story"

If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
And if I told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life overcome the grave

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long

For the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my Savior all the day long

Lifesong, Casting Crowns

Empty hands held high
Such small sacrifice
Now joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight
May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to you

Let my lifesong sing to you
Let my lifesong sing to you
I want to sign your name
To the end of this day
Lord led my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to you

Lord I give my life
A living sacrifice
To reach a world in need
To be your hands and feet
So may the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to you

Let my lifesong sing to you
Let my lifesong sing to you
I want to sign your name
To the end of this day
Lord led my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to you

Hallelujah, Hallelujah let my lifesong sing to you
Hallelujah, Hallelujah let my lifesong sing to you
Hallelujah, Hallelujah let my lifesong sing to you

Let my lifesong sing to you
Let my lifesong sing to you
I want to sign your name
To the end of this day
Lord led my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to you

Let my lifesong sing to you
Let my lifesong sing to you
I want to sign your name
To the end of this day
Lord led my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to you

Fellowship

After a long battle several months ago, I would describe everything then as grey. Everything was just grey. I could feel the "clouds" weighing in on me. Just talking to people took extreme effort. Hermitage was desirable. Everything seemed to be a mountain. Ho-hum. Life with chronic illnesses and pain is challenging. We often want to hide as it seems overwhelming. During a flare, I often find it difficult to tell the difference between when I should stay home due to honest physical limitations and when it is a spiritual battle. And yet, God has given us a need for fellowship. We are to bear one another's burdens.

Another Sunday had rolled around. It had been a couple weeks since I had been well enough to attend church. As those with chronic illnesses know, loneliness and isolation easily set in. The longer they set in, the more difficult they are to overcome. All my effort went in to simply attending church that Sunday. It was obviously a spiritual battle as I fought to obey. (Hebrews 10:24-25)

My pastor, knowing nothing of my battle, sat down to chat before the service. He took time to visit and check up on the various life challenges in my life. He then graciously spoke truth and encouragement just where I needed it while still unaware of my discouragement battle (to my knowledge).

The music that day was used of God to minister to my specific needs. My spirit began to lift. After church, the grey continued to lift as one by one my dear sisters in Christ stopped by to say a word of encouragement.

As I left church that day, my grey had turned to sunny skies. I considered what God had done for me and began thinking of all the lonely, hurting souls who had not made it to church. My resources are limited. How can I reach out? How can I help them? I thought of several things that which mean a lot to me for others to do which are within my abiliity:

• Listen. Those who are house-bound often get lonely. I can listen when they tell of their challenges and needs, even when they repeat themselves.
• Share. Yes, share their burden, but I can also share my burdens. Often the house-bound to reach out to others, but don't know how. They long to know how to pray effectively, specifically.
• Encourage. When one is chronically ill, it is easy to focus on the mountains instead of the God of the mountains. Encourage them with Scripture that God is using in your life. Be careful, though, not to throw Scripture at them. :) 
• Write. Send notes of encouragement. Yes, text and email are great, but paper and ink mean a lot. Short notes are just as encouraging as long ones. Simply show love by sending a note.

God made us to need fellowship. My fellow sufferers, seek fellowship with other believers as often as possible. Then, don't forget your family who are housebound. Reach out to them in friendship.

The Loneliness of Chronic Illness

Loneliness. Isolation. Misunderstanding. These three things are standard fare for the chronically ill. For long periods, if I am not ill or weak myself, I may have to avoid crowds or others who are ill. No matter what is planned, there is no guarantee that health will allow. The result is loneliness, isolation, and misunderstanding as others don't understand last minute cancellations.

What do we do with these challenges of chronic illness? What is a Biblical response? Here are just a few ways of serving.

• James 2:23 - See the time as an opportunity to pursue Christ! Times of weakness are times to pray, study, and sing.
• Hebrews 10:24-25 - Make fellowship and worship with other believers a priority even if these things have to be done remotely due to health challenges. If at all possible, attend church, even if you must come late/leave early. Do what you can to attend. The fellowship with other believers is imperative.
• Romans 12:10 - Pursue ways to show love to the family of God. Invite others to your home even when your home is not clean. Reach out by card, email, or text. It is important to be pouring into others as much as you can.

For those who are friends of the chronically ill:

• Be patient and understanding.
• Do not take cancellations personally.
• Continue to invite them to things even after many cancellations.
• Advise your friends anyone attending is ill. Illnesses are much more difficult for the chronically ill to overcome. They need the option of attending or not with the illness.
• Speak truth. Isolation and loneliness can lead to selfishness. Lovingly address this when lead by God.
• And yet, encourage without judgment.

Friendship makes such a difference in the life of the chronically ill. Consider:

• Proverbs 17:17; 29:9; 27:17
• Ecclesiastes 4:10
• Romans 12:10, 15:7
• Galatians 5:13
• Ephesians 4:2, 32; 5:19
• Colossians 3:13, 16
• 1 Thessalonians 4:18, 5:11
• Hebrews 3:13
• 1 Peter 4:9-11, 5:14
• 1 John 3:11, 4:7

As we love each other and pursue Christ's love, the loneliness, isolation, and misunderstanding in the life of the chronically ill can be used of God to produce fruit.

Encouragement

As I mentioned in "Comparing Talents," playing piano in my new church was difficult for me. The encouragement of others and teaching of His Word made the difference to me. One musician gladly acted as back up for me on the Sundays that my body would not cooperate for me to play. Another musician encouraged any attempt at playing no matter how weak it turned out. 

These dear sisters in Christ were acting out 1 Thessalonians 5:10-14. "10 who died for us, so that whether we are awake or asleep, we will live together with Him. 11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing.12 Now we ask you, brothers, to give recognition to those who labor among you and lead you in the Lord and admonish you, 13 and to regard them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves. 14 And we exhort you, brothers: warn those who are irresponsible,[a] comfort the discouraged, help the weak, be patient with everyone."

My heart rejoices as my church acts out the exhortation to encourage others and to help them serve to their ability. People are given opportunity to serve no matter their ability level. Doing this allows those to serve despite limitations. :) They act out 1 Corinthians 13 as they love the family of God in this way. 

My heart has been both challenged and encouraged by this love. It reminds me of John 15 which tells us to love one another!

Comparing Talents

Do you see that both passages refer to the abilities or strength that God provides. Often as a person with chronic illnesses, I attempt to give beyond my limitations, my God-given limitations and resources. God gave us what we need to fulfill His purposes. He does not give us what others have, but what we need to perform His purpose.

In recent years, God brought th lesson home to me through serving in the church music ministry. It all started one day as the other musicians finished playing. 

I froze inside. They had asked me to begin playing offertories in church. I had only been attending this church for a few months. True, I wanted to get involved, but my piano playing ability is average. Soon, I began to do the comparison game in my mind. While I can play advanced pieces, it takes me a very long time to learn anything new. Others call these pieces easy. Others can play new pieces quickly by sight reading. Others do not have piano playing ability hampered by brain damage from a stroke. Others have taken lessons for many decades; I for a short six years. Others in the church have professional experience; mine is amateur. Others do not seem to have a near panic attack prior to playing every single time. Others do not have difficulty with chronic illnesses which can lead to being undependable no matter how faithful I wish to be. The comparisons played on in my mind. 

For several months, I timidly played one offertory a month. Throughout this time, the other musicians were nothing but encouraging! Then one day, we had the following passages in our adult Life Group:

Matthew 25:14-30

The Parable of the Talents

14 “For it is just like a man going on a journey. He called his own slaves and turned over his possessions to them. 15 To one he gave five talents;[a] to another, two; and to another, one—to each according to his own ability. Then he went on a journey. Immediately 16 the man who had received five talents went, put them to work, and earned five more. 17 In the same way the man with two earned two more. 18 But the man who had received one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground, and hid his master’s money.

19 “After a long time the master of those slaves came and settled accounts with them. 20 The man who had received five talents approached, presented five more talents, and said, ‘Master, you gave me five talents. Look, I’ve earned five more talents.’

21 “His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You were faithful over a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Share your master’s joy!’

22 “Then the man with two talents also approached. He said, ‘Master, you gave me two talents. Look, I’ve earned two more talents.’

23 “His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You were faithful over a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Share your master’s joy!’

24 “Then the man who had received one talent also approached and said, ‘Master, I know you. You’re a difficult man, reaping where you haven’t sown and gathering where you haven’t scattered seed. 25 So I was afraid and went off and hid your talent in the ground. Look, you have what is yours.’

26 “But his master replied to him, ‘You evil, lazy slave! If you knew that I reap where I haven’t sown and gather where I haven’t scattered,27 then[b] you should have deposited my money with the bankers. And when I returned I would have received my money[c] back with interest.

28 “‘So take the talent from him and give it to the one who has 10 talents. 29 For to everyone who has, more will be given, and he will have more than enough. But from the one who does not have, even what he has will be taken away from him. 30 And throw this good-for-nothing slave into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

Consider 1 Peter 4:11, "11 If anyone speaks, it should be as one who speaks God’s words; if anyone serves, it should be from the strength God provides, so that God may be glorified through Jesus Christ in everything. To Him belong the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen."

Ouch. My focus had been in the wrong place. I should have been looking at the ability God gave me and simply investing that ability for Him. I do not need to serve above that talent. I simply give that talent back to Him. 

In a step of faith, I began to play more for church. As my focus shifted to God, something strange began to happen. I began to enjoy playing. Each Sunday, I began to simply play for Christ with what He laid on my heart. A dear friend committed to praying for me during each time I played and often before I would play. My playing went from a source of anxiety to a source of joy. 

As this happened, I saw another aspect of the passage come true. I began to desire to increase my talent and ability for Him. My daily practice time became a gift for Him, an opportunity to invest the talent He has given. :) 

Chronic illnesses can seem to be limiting. If we focus on the limitations instead of the opportunities and gifts of God, we will shy away from service. Focusing on Christ and His gifts mean using our talents as an act of worship and produce great joy!

Side note: often as a chronically ill individual, I would overdo my service to God, giving beyond what resources God had given. While burying a talent is not an appropriate response, neither is giving more than God expects. Learning both of these lessons is very freeing. 

They Wept With Us

This past two years have been challenging ones for our family. During this time, God's presence, comfort, and strength have been incredible. He cared for our heartbreak. He cared for our tears.

Psalm 56:8, 
"You Yourself have recorded my wanderings.[a]
Put my tears in Your bottle.
Are they not in Your records?"

Often, we do not know what to say to those who are going through grief. We found that those who simply came along side us meant the most. There were several friends who quietly wept with us. As I shared the latest challenges, I watched as the tears fell from their eyes. They embodied Christ's love as they fulfilled Christ's love. They didn't know what to say; they simply cried with me.

Romans 12:15,

"15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep."

Not long ago, a friend was going through a similar trial of grief. I didn't know what to say. And so, I simply wept with her. 

Sometimes, silence and tears speak the loudest.