What If? What Now?

"It will get better." 

"This is only temporary."

"Hold on... better days ahead."

"Be thankful it isn't any worse." 

These are things that people have said when trying to encourage through a chronic illness flare. They mean well. In fact, I am sure these words have come out of my own mouth. But... what if... what if things aren't going to get better, but will in fact get worse. What if they will be this way for the remainder of the time on earth. (We know they will get better in Heaven and are temporary in that manner.) Are you in a situation in which you are asking ... What if... what if this goes on and on? 

As someone who was disabled for life at a very young age, fighting and overcoming became as much a part of life as breathing. Oh... it didn't always come naturally, especially on "those" days: pain days, migraine days, hard days. Yet, my parents would never let me give up, but encouraged me to keep fighting and overcome. Dad would build things that would help adapt. Mom alternately listened and prodded, always gentle. Both forbade the word "can't." It wasn't allowed.

As more health challenges arose, we overcame. One challenge at a time, one day at a time, you moved forward. Quitting was NEVER an option. You simply found ways to overcome, relying heavily on God for wisdom and strength. It was what you did. An overabundance of snow, get to work on time anyway, carefully using crutches or walker through the snow. Unable to wash dishes and do kitchen chores standing up, find a way to work around it. Chores still had to be done. In pain, be kind anyway. Awake to the hard days, assess, do what you need to overcome, smile, and conquer the day. It was what one did.

This past year, there have been challenges that cannot be overcome in the regular ways. It soon became clear that no matter what adjustments were made, there were things that were no longer possible to do. Oh... adaptions were made and independence kept as much as possible, but some things were simply no longer possible. Hope that it was temporary prevailed as one doctor's appointment after another came and went. 

Slowly, reality took over. Some of the limitations are indeed permanent. There are many unknowns of how much mobility and freedom will be restored. Weakness, pain, and isolation are daily battles. I came face to face with the question... What if... what if this is permanent. What if... what if the medical staff are right and the limitations will continue to progress. 

During this time, God allowed a childhood friend, also disabled as a child, to cross paths. He is going through the same things. Neither of us had anticipated the wear and tear that would come to our bodies from the years of disabilities and using joints in ways in which they were not meant to be used. (Walking on our hands...) Both of us have struggled as all our efforts to overcome are simply not enough. We have had to face these questions... What if? What now?

And so, I began to contemplate the "What If." What is truth in the "What if?" And, if so, "What now?"

• Romans 8:28 - God is working all things for good.
• Job 23:10 - God knows what has happened. He will use it in my life.
  
• Philippians 4:11-13 - I can learn to be content through Christ's strength. 
• Isaiah 40:28-31 - God gives strength. 
• Philippians 4:8 - Focusing on wholesome things is imperative to keep my mind clear. 
  
• Job 13:15 - I will praise Him.
  
• Psalm 42:5 - I will praise Him.
• Habakkuk 3:17-19 - No matter what... I will praise Him.
• Luke 10:27 - Love God with your all; love people.

What if? What now? Trust Him. Love Him. Love People. Praise Him. Trust Him. Obey. Keep striving for Him. 

It began to be clear. God has called me to the What if? to the What now? He has a purpose. I can still love Him, praise Him, and trust Him. He is still good. He is still God. 

His light began to shine through. Philippians 3:7-21 came to mind. Am I willing to give up my "right" to good health and use weakness to His honor? Am I willing to become weak that He may be strong? 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 His strength can shine through weakness. Am I willing to allow Him to work through this?

Last year, my song of the year was "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus." How appropriate that song became as the year went on. This year, God has impressed me with "Trust and Obey."

What if? Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus. What now? Trust and Obey. 

Heroes, Part 2

Hebrews 12:1-2, "Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, 2 keeping our eyes on Jesus,[a] the source and perfecter[b] of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him[c] endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne." HCSB

From the time I was a young girl, my parents told me about Joni Eareckson Tada. 

She was made a quadriplegic in a diving accident when still a teenager. Her life, hopes, and dreams were changed. God used that accident to transform her life and to shine through her. She sings almost everywhere she goes. 

On my bad days, I would remember (or be reminded of 😜) what she had gone through and how she responded. She has been an inspiration and example to me all these years.

Recently, after all she has gone through not one but two rounds of cancer. It would be easy to ask God why... why her? Yet... she still sings and praises God. As I continue to face medical challenges, her attitude challenges me to glorify Him despite the circumstances. 

A couple years ago, I had the amazing opportunity to sing in a choir with her in Nashville, TN. Although I did not get to meet her personally, it was a tremendous blessing to see her spirit shine for Jesus Christ!

She is another in the great cloud of witnesses as she continues to serve our great Saviour through adversity!

Heroes, part 1

Hebrews 12:1-2, "Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, 2 keeping our eyes on Jesus,[a] the source and perfecter[b] of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him[c] endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne." HCSB

I was reminiscing with an old friend tonight about those who have traveled the road before us and still inspire us to remain faithful today. The people who are the large cloud of witnesses. 

One of my heroes was his grandmother. It was just after I turned 11 that I met her. My dad had just become a pastor of a new church, her church. I was an awkward preteen, made more awkward by my disability. She was a bent-over elderly lady with gnarled, deformed fingers and feet. Every movement was hard for her. And then, I saw her face. Her face was love. There is no other way to describe her. It was beautiful as it glowed with Christ's love. She knew pain and the frustration of a body that would not do what she wanted. She understood me in ways others couldn't. 

Grandma Y still inspires me today and has been a part of shaping who I am. She never preached, but encouraged. Every conversation pointed us back to Christ, but in a way that made you want to know Him the way she did. She spent hours in communion with him, was a prayer warrior, and it showed. She loved fiercely. She gave freely. She gave all. She reminds me of the widow in Mark 12 who gave all she had. 

She was weak, yet one of the strongest women I know. God used her weakness. 

As an adult, her spirit and faith mean even more as my body begins to fail. She made me realize that no matter our circumstances, God can use us. It is Him, not us. 

It makes me ponder, "Will I be one of the faithful ones for those coming after to follow, to see Christ? Will they see love and joy on my face?"

In the coming weeks, I hope to share more of the heroes who have gone before showing me the way to Christ.

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003, 2009 by Holman Bible Publishers, Nashville Tennessee. All rights reserved.

From My Window

Recently, I joined a facebook group that has people posting what they see from their window during the prolonged quarantine.

The world has changed in the past few months as many were isolated. My world had changed about six months prior as isolation was the only way to retain health. Over this time period, I have gone through the range of emotions and struggled to trust and accept what my life is, what my life will be moving forward.

And so, as I write this, I watch the world go by from my window.

From my window, I see the families out walking. They are young, old, all shades of skin, all walks of life. They carry their own burdens. They need our Father. And so... watching from my window, I pray for these neighbors.

From my window, I see God's grace.

From my window, I see joy and pain.

From my window, I see His blessings in the glorious sunshine and flowers and green. I see the birds and squirrels enjoying the feeder.

From my window, I see the rain, wind, hail and storms.

From my window, I see family and friends.

From my window, I see a glimpse of God's heart. He sees the heartache that I sometimes witness on faces as they pass. His heart weeps for the brokenness of this world. He loves this world so much that He came to rescue it.

From my window, I watch... waiting in anticipation for Him to return. It seems by recent events that it may be soon.

My world seemed to shrink last September, and yet, I believe it expanded!

What do you see from your window?

Perspective - Unforeseen Blessing From Difficult Times

As someone with a compromised immune system and multiple chronic illnesses, being house-bound and becoming comfortable with the disappointment of canceled plans due to personal illness or that of others was part of life. Stares in public due to the required mask were common-place.

My thoughts and heart went out to people as they were facing huge disappointments during this pandemic, isolation, and loneliness. They are experiencing my world and the world of thousands of others who deal with this on a regular basis. We know the pain of constant isolation, loneliness, and disappointment, the lesson of flexibility due to unexpected illness flares.

This pandemic does make those of us who have fragile health even more cut-off as we must avoid contact for preservation of health and, possibly, life. I have felt this severely, having my share of bad days handling it.

And yet... God provides. Today, it hit me as I was counting my blessings. In some ways, I can now be more connected. These little ways are huge blessings!

• Many events that I would have had to miss due to my immune system are now live-streamed or recorded. I can actually be a part of conferences, "concerts," church services, family events, etc. These are all things I would have had to miss!
• My neighbors are out walking. On days when my lungs like the weather, I sit outside to greet them as they walk. I am meeting so many wonderful people! I know this is true of others as well as you see more and more stories of people helping others, reaching out to strangers. 
• My work-team (an awesome team, at that!) stays connected via text several times each day to check up on each other, share funny quarantine things, and share the difficult times. I think in some ways, it has drawn our team even closer. 
• More concentration on what is truly important has been amazing. Relationships and connection with people through phone calls, messages, FaceTime have become very precious. 
• OK... and I no longer stand out with my mask! I blend in! :) Dare I say that I will look normal?! :) 

These things are opening up new worlds for me and hundreds of others who have been left out before. It reminds me of the promise in Isaiah 61:3 that God gives beauty for ashes, a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. There is good coming from the pandemic. It seems we are understanding the plight of those around us more. We understand the pain that so many, especially the elderly, go through as we have a glimpse into their lives. 

After this is all over, I hope we can learn from these lessons and have a greater understanding of what is truly important. I hope that live-streaming and recordings may continue to be more available for those whose life is isolated. 

Waiting With God

This year has been a wonderful, challenging year. It has been the year of the unexpected, the year of waiting. Many times I have begun to write about the challenges of this year and had to stop. It is hard to put it all in words. Waiting with God sums it up.

The past few weeks, my church has been studying the waiting of advent through a study by Lou Giglio. A quote from this study stood out to me, "Waiting for God, with God." Wow... that describes this year. God has been there in the waiting while we waited to see what He was doing.

This past week, we looked at James 1:2-4:
"2 Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials,3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing."

Consider it joy? What? And 2 Corinthians 4, particularly verses 7-15:
"7 Now we have this treasure in clay jars, so that this extraordinary power may be from God and not from us. 8 We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair; 9 we are persecuted but not abandoned; we are struck down but not destroyed. 10 We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus’ life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh. 12 So death works in us, but life in you. 13 And since we have the same spirit of faith in keeping with what is written, I believed, therefore I spoke,[b] we also believe, and therefore speak. 14 We know that the One who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and present us with you. 15 Indeed, everything is for your benefit, so that grace, extended through more and more people, may cause thanksgiving to increase to God’s glory."

The treasure we have refers to verses 5-6: 
"5 For we are not proclaiming ourselves but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your slaves because of Jesus. 6 For God who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of God’s glory in the face of Jesus Christ."

Just think... God can shine through the worst of circumstances. He is with us in the waiting for His working.

This year, God is teaching me to lean on Him in the waiting and to learn joy through it all. 

The year started on crutches and in a boot from an injury all while caregiving for my mom. So many in our family were hurting or in challenging situations. We each gave what we could to help my mom through a very difficult time. She graciously endured with an uncertain future. It was a difficult time as we waited on God. He was with us in the waiting. 

There were some funny moments in the midst of this trial. Multiple times at ER or doctors offices I was mistaken for the patient due to my health mask, three leg braces/boots, and crutches. Why would they think I was the patient?? I joked about getting a t-shirt that said, "I'm not the patient. I am the CAREGIVER." :) It did make for some pretty funny interactions.

As mom began to heal, my health struggles ramped up. The orthopedic let me know that while I did not have to have surgery (woohoo!), my injury would take a full year... yes, YEAR... to heal. In the midst, I came down with my annual bronchitis. Little did we know that this year the bronchitis would be life-changing.

This bronchitis started a cycle of one infection and asthma exacerbation after another, chronic illness flare, and stroke symptoms resurfaced as they do in times of weakness. Finally, I scheduled an appointment with my GP to see what could be done. God was with us as a dear friend and I waited for the appointment. My expectation was to go back to work after the appointment. 

God had other plans. The news was not what I expected. It started weeks of unexpected and life-changing plans. The doctor prescribed six weeks off work and basically staying inside due to germ and respiratory irritant avoidance... six weeks with the possibility of returning to work after four weeks. 

The next few weeks were spent resting, waiting, going to tests, waiting, unexpected results, waiting. Each time they did a test, more "suspicious" areas showed up. When those were tested, more "suspicious areas" showed. A trip to the emergency room was thrown in the mix just to keep things interesting, and, to lengthen the medical leave. 

Finally, after months of testing and specialist appointments, we have a few answers while we still await others. My life may never be the same. Currently, due to four different struggles affecting my respiratory and immune systems, my house is my world for the foreseeable future. 

Honestly, isolation and loneliness became my new reality. Flexibility, changed plans, and disappointment are now part of my reality as inclement weather or weak days or sickness mean canceled plans. These things are hard to swallow at times. How can there be joy in these things? There can be. One can thrive in these things! God is with me in the waiting and has shown me that there is joy although there were times I could only see the darkness.

As I healed and rested, God worked in my heart and life. The darkness began to change to light. God brought just what I needed and provided:

• a set of stuffed pink lungs with smiley faces which made me smile

• an amazing family and church family who walked the journey beside me in too many ways to list

• projects being completed to make my house allergy friendly and suited to my new reality

• an amazing medical team who persisted and are persisting to get through this

• allergen-free food just when I needed it

• house cleaning, meals, and errands run

• fish and snails (yes... I now have twelve pets... 8 fish and 4 water snails and love them!)

• leave time to cover my time off

• work from home

• amazing supervisor and coworkers who simply supported and are supporting me in this fight to return to some sort of normalcy

• cards, emails, texts from friends who stood beside me

• friends and family/church family who avoided me when germs hit them

• time with Him, realization that He is sufficient

• music... music which lifts the heart to Him

• peace in the midst of the complete unknown

Life is different now and must be. As my world has become limited to my house, God is teaching me Philippians, particularly Philippians 4. I am learning to be content and rely on His provision. I am learning to choose to be grateful in new and deeper ways. I am learning to wait WITH God as I wait.
He is also teaching me to watch for others who are in similar situations. There are many lonely and isolated people who just need a friend. Although my world has shrunk to my house in many ways, it has also expanded as I learn of others who just need a friend. There is much work to be done!

This past year has been challenging. This year has been wonderful. It has been a year of learning to know God in a deeper and amazing way. It is a year of learning to wait with God while I wait for God. And now... I look forward to the new year to see what God has in store. One thing I know it can have is JOY! :) 

Grieve and Worship

Grieve and Worship... what? It seems impossible, doesn't it. 

The picture that comes to my mind is the picture of someone in denial, blithely gliding through a tragedy without it touching them, with a pasted on smile. In the past few years, I have walked the path of grief several times and have not glided through untouched. Oh, I have worshiped, but the anguish has been real. Can you relate?

Each time I have studied Job, I had a picture in my mind of his just accepting all the catastrophes nonchalantly since he worshiped and praised through it even though I knew he sat in ashes for a time. The depth of his grief was minimized in my mind as everyone always concentrated on his attitude of praise. This perception left me feeling a bit guilty as I grieved whether over people or over expectations and dreams. 

In chapter 1, after God lifts Job up to Satan as an example of a faithful man, God gives Satan permission to take all Job owns to prove that Job will remain faithful. In one day, his livestock, sheep, camels and servants are killed leaving him without livelihood. As he is hearing this news, he learns that his children have been killed. Woah. All in one swoop, everything is gone. How would he respond.

This morning as I was reading Job 1:20-22, it hit me. He grieved hard. He felt the sting, the anguish. Yet... He praised our God.

20 Then Job stood up, tore his robe, and shaved his head.[a] He fell to the ground and worshiped, 21 saying:

Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will leave this life.[b]
The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.
Praise the name of Yahweh.

22 Throughout all this Job did not sin or blame God for anything.[c]

I came to a stop as I read this passage. Job grieved. He grieved. Yet, in his grief, he did not sin or blame God. He simply praised God's holy name! 

Next, since Job was faithful, God gives permission to take Job's health. I am sure he still grieved as he remained in the ashes. Yet, even when his wife tells him to curse God, he says,

10 “You speak as a foolish woman speaks,” he told her. “Should we accept only good from God and not adversity?” Throughout all this Job did not sin in what he said.[b]

Grief and worship. My mind went to another passage. 

13 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope.

We grieve, but we also have hope. We know that our Father is in control. We know that one day, our tears will be wiped away as we are told in Revelation 21:1-4

21 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea no longer existed. 2 I also saw the Holy City, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared like a bride adorned for her husband.

3 Then I heard a loud voice from the throne:[a]

Look! God’s dwelling[b] is with humanity,
and He will live with them.
They will be His people,
and God Himself will be with them
and be their God.[c]
4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes.
Death will no longer exist;
grief, crying, and pain will exist no longer,
because the previous things[d] have passed away.

Recent events have left my heart with grief. Grieve, my heart, weep... and worship. God also longs for the day when He will wipe away our tears, when the grief, crying, and pain will pass away forever. 

Grieve and worship. For someday, all will be made right. 






Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003, 2009 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Holman Christian Standard Bible®, Holman CSB®, and HCSB® are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers