Sometimes, post script

Sometimes, God's answers to prayer are yes, but not in a way we would expect!

Within hours of posting last week, I fell. hard. on concrete. Did I mention that I fell hard, met the sidewalk up close and personal?

It was on the way into a meeting that would be hard but good, in which I knew God was calling me to graciously speak the truth of His Word when the easier path would be to be quiet. I had steadily been praying for humility in leading up to this meeting. He granted it just not in the way I would have. :) As I fell, I thought two things... 1) It seemed that the devil was working to prevent truth, 2) God was answering the prayer for humility! I sat through the meeting, spoke truth, and watched God work while in increasing intense pain. I realized that God was putting me in a place where NOTHING could be done in my strength. 

Side note: God intervened in the meeting in so many ways. My thoughts and opinions matter not. His Word is all that matters... He must be glorified. As Joshua 5:13-16 shows, God was not for Joshua or the enemy, but He is God and will be glorified. He is not about my selfish agendas! 

I ended up with a broken hand, displaced finger, sprained foot, sprained ankle, and multiple bruises and scrapes. Ouch! What good could come out of this? How could I keep going with these injuries on top of the current health struggles? Much good can come out of this. In looking back at the week which I survived, I saw many blessings and the hand of God!

Here are a few highlights:

• being able to work just short of 32 hours with all the normal health challenges combined with injuries... so grateful!
• learning that while my foot and ankle are both just sprained (YAY), the radiologist found a possible tumor in my leg bone. I must admit I simply laughed out loud with it since it was just one. more. thing!
• learning that I had been cleared from both the leg bone tumor (just the old break showing) AND the pituitary gland tumor. HALLELUJAH
• discovering that EVERYTHING takes three to four times as long to do when you are in my shape, but becoming so, so grateful for being able to do what I can! It is amazing how your priorities shift and show.
• finding that God WILL answer prayers for humility and lofstrand crutches... just not quite in the way or time I anticipated! Our Father is AMAZING!
• being frustrated that time with Him is not happening as much as I would like right now due to my health and feeling as if that makes me less desirable in His eyes only to be lovingly reminded by our Father that He made me, allowed this, and loves me the same. My time with Him is just more broken up in small moments throughout the day. :)
• seeing His abundant provision of food, rides to the store, funds, ladies from church coming to prepare said food, do dishes, needed equipment to be as independent as possible, and laundry. Seriously!!!! A niece came to clean and another lady is coming Monday night. Amazing grace!!!!
• watching God be more concerned with glorifying Himself and changing me into His likeness than my immediate "comfort!" He is revealing more sin and extending forgiveness. This is good.
• oberving God using my injuries in others lives. :)
• being thankful for the medical workers help and availability

Yeah... it has been quite a week. The ladies at church keep reminding me that God is still teaching me to rest! I am used to being the one serving, not the one having to be served. What a place to be! Yet,God continues to give opportunity to serve with limited strength through prayer, etc.!!!!

Romans 8:28-29 and Philippians 4 have become so precious!

What about you? What is overwhelming? Are you focused on the trial or on God? He is an amazing God!!!! May He be glorified! Sometimes, these trials are Him making us more like Christ, allowing God to be glorified!

Sometimes...

Sometimes, God's answers to our prayers are not what we would expect. Consider this quote...

"They were people who were living to themselves. Their hopes, promises, and dreams still controlled them. They had asked for a repentant heart and had surrendered themselves with a willingness to pay any price for it, and He sent them sorrow. They had asked for purity, and He sent them sudden anguish. They had asked for meekness, and He had broken their hearts. They had asked to be dead to the world, and He killed all their living hopes. They had asked to be made like Him, so He placed them in the fire "as a refiner and purifier of silver" (Mal. 3:3), until they could reflect His image. They had asked to help carry His cross, yet when He held it out to them, it cut and tore their hands." ~Streams in the Desert, October 17.

At the first, this quote seems to be discouraging, even despairing. However, upon closer inspection, hope and love spring forth. You  see, sometimes the unexpected gifts from God are greater than our expected ones. :)

Sigh. I had prayed to be closer to my Lord, to rely on Him and to shine His love more. I had prayed to have His will for my life, to submit to Him. Some would say that I should then experience health, wealth, and happiness. Yet, I found this quote interesting as it was the devotional on the very day a trip to a specialist revealed that my most recent health challenges were simply chronic. The good news is that there is no more neurological damage. (For those wondering, I do have a brain!) This is good news indeed and encouraging. 

The harder news is that the symptoms are going to be with me. Muscle weakness, insidious muscle weakness is most likely a side effect of the asthma medications and is potentially permanent. Chronic fatigue syndrome has flared once again, the type of fatigue that at times makes it impossible to move and makes one's strength incredibly precious. This type of fatigue that is always with someone and hinders life. Complicated migraines which mimic stroke and cause everyday life to be ... hard... just hard. It has become a struggle to do basic duties. These things are not life threatening, but life altering.

This morning as I pondered these things in the quiet of my house, an overwhelming gratefulness swept over me. My life is changing of necessity. Daily, I am running out of strength before I run out of my duties. Why would I then be overwhelmed with gratefulness? You see, in my weakness, I have been given a precious gift and choice. Will I let Him shine through? I will be moved out of the way since I am so frail. He is my only hope! :) I began to ponder and remember these verses:

• His strength will be made perfect and shine forth. :) 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, "7 And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. 8 Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. 9 And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 
• An opportunity to learn contentment is given to me. What a gift! :) Philippians 4:11-13, "11 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: 12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13 I can do all things through Christ[b] who strengthens me."
• And, in my weakness, I am drawn closer to my precious Savior who suffered so much for me. He is the Master Gardener and is pruning me. The Gardener is closest to the plant when He is pruning. :) John 15:1-4, “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away;[a] and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you.4 Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me."
• My life is not about me or my happiness, but about glorifying God! As John the Baptist said in John 3:30, "30 He must increase, but I must decrease."

As I pondered all of this this morning, my heart was overcome with gratitude. God has given me this amazing gift as well as so many provisions and blessings. He has blessed with a wonderful support system in family and friends. He has given me the opportunity to get to know Him better! :) What a wonderful Savior! 

Today, my heart is focused on Him and making the choice for gratitude. The days ahead will be no less difficult. I am thankful that sometimes, His answer is different than what I expect. I am thankful that sometimes, He allows me to see that His answer provides the unspoken needs of my heart in His infinite wisdom, rather than my desires. 

May my gaze continue to stay focused on Him! May my heart continue to draw close to Him! May I say with the Psalmist, 

Joy in the Fellowship of God

A Psalm of David when he was in the wilderness of Judah.

63 O God, You are my God;
Early will I seek You;
My soul thirsts for You;
My flesh longs for You
In a dry and thirsty land
Where there is no water.
2 So I have looked for You in the sanctuary,
To see Your power and Your glory.

3 Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips shall praise You.
4 Thus I will bless You while I live;
I will lift up my hands in Your name.
5 My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips.

6 When I remember You on my bed,
I meditate on You in the night watches.
7 Because You have been my help,
Therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice.
8 My soul follows close behind You;
Your right hand upholds me.

9 But those who seek my life, to destroy it,
Shall go into the lower parts of the earth.
10 They shall fall by the sword;
They shall be a portion for jackals.

11 But the king shall rejoice in God;
Everyone who swears by Him shall glory;
But the mouth of those who speak lies shall be stopped."

Scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

In the Midst

"In regards to your recent struggles, I would encourage you to stop thinking about your mountains.  You are with God, which means that they have already begun to move; you don't need to watch them anymore.  Turn your eyes on Jesus and they will grow strangely dim!"
                                                                                                           ~an excerpt from a recent email from a friend

As this quote suggests, I have been "in the midst" lately... in the midst of health crises, family changes, and spiritual battles. God has taught me much "in the midst." Little did I realize when my ladies' Bible study began Joy in the Midst: A Study of Philippians, by Carrie Gaul, how needed and timely this study would be. We have been blessed as we have learned valuable lessons from Philippians and needed Bible study skills. As my friend promised, when I stopped looking at the mountains and began looking at Jesus, those mountains did indeed begin to grow strangely dim. I then began to look at what God was doing "in the midst" just as I had been learning in our Bible study of Philippians.

I want to share a thumbnail sketch of my "in the midst" to show you a brief glimpse of the mountains and thus show you the power of my God. He is El Shaddai, God of the mountain! You see, the thumbnail sketch looks so small now that my eyes are back on my Almighty God. However, I must say that there were (and sometimes still are if I allow my focus to wander) points in this that it looked so big that it seemed impossible for any good to come out of it. But, keep reading, my friend, for after the thumbnail sketch of the mountains, there is a testimony to our great Savior! He is alive! He is able!!!!! He is bigger than our problems!

HEALTH: After many months of increasingly strong health, my health took a nosedive. A few months ago, I slowly walked 3.5 miles on a handicapped hiking trail while tent camping, went camping at my family reunion, and was encouraged as my health improved. We do not yet know the cause yet, but I now struggle to work a full day, walk unaided very long at all, and do daily household tasks. To say each day is a struggle and overwhelming is an understatement. But... God! :)

CHANGE: Change is good. Without changes, we do not fear God. Recent changes in our family are actually good. As a creature of habit who happens to love routine, schedules, and planning... let's just say that change is hard for me. :)

SPIRITUAL BATTLES: Recently, a spiritual battlefield began to be set for my church. The stakes were and are high. I do NOT like conflict, but our church people realized that we would have to stand for truth. We sought God's face and Word as we (sadly) had not for a time, waking in the middle of the night for long sessions bombarding the throne of grace begging for help. This week, a glimmer of light appeared. Our Father was giving grace, strength,  and wisdom. His grace became evident as He began to mold and strengthen our hearts.

• Joy in the Midst: There is indeed joy in the midst. Joy abounds when we look to Christ as Paul demonstrated with his life. In Philippians, Paul showed that his life was all about Christ, not his own comfort. The joy comes when we simply surrender to God's will. 
• Gifted with Suffering in the Midst: Ok... I must admit that as a I have struggled to pray this prayer with Paul. I mean... he sees suffering as a gift since it follows Christ's example and draws us closer to His fellowship. Yet, how easy it is to forget that suffering is a gift when the pain and disappointment run deep. 
• Trust in the Midst: God has promised in His Word that He will provide what we need. Sometimes our perception of need is much different than actual need. You see, God sees what is needed to glorify Himself and make us more like Christ. For those who have trusted His plan of salvation restoring their relationship with Him and being adopted into His family, He is thus our Father and will provide. 
• Rest in the Midst: It is so easy in our society to tie our worth to our performance, not in God's love for us, to feel as if we have to be busy all the time rather than sitting to just enjoy God and our relationship with Him, to give our body, mind, and spirit time to be still and know that He is God. For, in resting, we are demonstrating that we trust/believe that God is in control. Will we let Him be in control?
  ANYONE who knows me knows that I tend to be a Martha, not a Mary. I don't like to sit still. (Is this why God gifted me with illnesses which mandate rest? When will I learn?) Through this illness, I am being shown again that rest and quiet are a gift. 
• Contentment in the Midst: Christian society has used Philippians 4:13 as a catchall promise to say we can do anything. However, in context, it is talking about being content in the midst! :) Those verses coupled with Hebrews 13:5 show that contentment is possible in any circumstance since we have something better... HIM! :) He is with us. I am also reminded of my recent study of Exodus 32. In the end of that chapter, you see that Moses is facing an amazing task. He implores God to send someone with him as he cannot do it alone. God says that He Himself will be going with Moses. Moses profoundly states that if God will not go, He does not want to go. You see, He needed nothing more than God!
• Humility? Dependence? Submission? in the Midst: I must admit, I will have trouble expressing this next concept. You see... I know my heart is not humble, that dependence on God and submission to Him are difficult for this strong-willed, independent, stubborn child. Bear with me as I strive to express this... A friend and I recently finished a two year adventure of memorizing 1 Peter. We came to chapter 5 just as all of my mountains began to crash in. Verse 7 has been a favorite go-to verse of mine. As we memorized and studied through the chapter, we saw that verse 7 FOLLOWS verses 5-6. (Who would have known? ;) ) What I mean is that you have to take it in context. In context, it is stating that we must humble ourselves before others and most importantly before God. THEN, we cast our cares on Him. We leave all up to God. He cares for us. We need to leave it to Him. We must humble ourselves in His sight. He will lift us up. It doesn't say that we will like what He chooses, but that He WILL care for us through it.
  As I prepared for a full day of testing at the hospital last week, these verses began to work in my heart.That day, another friend posted this song, "Bow the Knee."  Was I willing to humble myself for whatever He brought? Was I willing to cast the care on Him and be submissive? Sometimes, we think of being submissive before Him as being ready to be a missionary in a far off land or give our life as a martyr which it is, but I am becoming more convinced that the being submissive has more to do with taking up our cross daily!
• Gratefulness in the Midst: Thankfulness. Gratefulness. Rejoicing. When I begin to look to Jesus, my list of things to be thankful for grows and grows... even in the midst! 
• Prayer in the Midst: How grateful I am for prayer - both personal and intercessory - as I walk this path. Prayer is powerful!
• God in the Midst: Perhaps the most precious part of these mountains has been getting to know my God better. Now that we have finished 1 Peter, my friend suggested that we memorize Psalm 63 since it gives a good example of how to handle suffering. It shows how to have joy in the fellowship of God - even in suffering. It is as my other friend said, "Turn your eyes on Jesus!"
• God's Word in the Midst: Through this time, I have been reminded of the precious gift we have in the Word of God. We are truly blessed in this country to have access to it so readily. How do we use this precious gift? 

God wants us to comfort those with the comfort we have received. May something I have learned in the midst be an encouragement to others who are in the midst right now. Would you pray for me to continue to look to Christ and look to be a comfort in the midst? How can I best pray for and encourage you?

JEHOVAH-JIREH: God will provide! Praise His Name!

Originally posted April 2008

Matthew 6:33-34 “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day [is] the evil thereof.”

Chronic illnesses sometimes put us in the position of depending on others for our food, raiment, etc. There are many things changing in my life right now. I find it easy to worry about daily living needs especially when the one I have depended on for help is moving. How will I make it? What is going to happen? Will I be okay? Who will help me when I fall? What will I do? You get the idea…

Right now, I have just started over in Genesis and Matthew in my daily time with God. God is showing me things that I have never seen before.

First, I read Matthew 6 - the verses above really stood out. You really need read verses 24-34. God is telling us that He will provide. God provides for the birds and the lilies. God will provide for us. We don’t even have to worry about any of those things. My job is to just seek Him. What a job! What a privilege!

I’ve also been reading about Noah in Genesis chapters 6-8. (That is as far as I’ve gotten right now.) God started to show me things that I had not seen before.

• Noah obeyed God amidst amazing difficulty. The rest of the people on earth were wicked - unlike when Elijah thought that he was the only righteous one, but God said there were seven thousand in Israel who had not bowed to Baal. Yet, Noah walked with God. Wow! What a stand! But wait, it gets better.
• Noah and his family were alone in their beliefs. (With my chronic illnesses, I often feel isolated and alone as I’m sure others chronic warriors do.) But, what did they do? They obeyed. Noah kept walking with God. So, how did God reward their faith? He took them out of the situation and gave them all they asked for and all the friends they wanted and a life of luxury, right?
• Not quite. God took Noah into his confidence and told him something that was going to be difficult to understand, that would make his life more difficult, and that would change his life forever. God gave Noah a job - a difficult task. (vv. 13-21) Remember, Noah would not have seen rain before. Noah would be finding out that friends and relatives would be killed. Noah would now be more isolated and resented than ever.
• And, what did Noah do? He obeyed. (v. 22)I don’t know about you, but when I have finally trusted God through a situation and obeyed, then, I expect everything to become easy. God does not see things our way, though (Isaiah 55:9-13). God had a bigger plan in mind. Instead of making life easy after Noah had obeyed all that God commanded him, God “locked” him in the ark for over a year (chapters 7-8). As I thought about this, I realized that they probably heard the screams of friends, loved ones, and neighbors, but were helpless to do anything. Then, would it have been worse when the screams stopped, knowing what that meant?
• After that, the hard part - well, it would have been hard for me. They had to wait where they were for weeks, months. They were dependent upon God for EVERYTHING during this time. All they could do was serve the animals and each other day in and day out. That is where God put them. They had no place else to go. That really made me think. It is so easy for me to get discontent with the waiting, the resting and resting, and did I mention resting, only able to do a little bit for God? But, I need to see it as where God has me right now.
• During this time, they didn’t know what they would find when they got out of the ark. What would their new lives be like? Everything would be different. What was God doing? How often have I been in that place where it seems as if God is changing everything in my life. Psalm 55:19, God is bringing me closer to Him through the changes. Also, Jeremiah 29:11, I must trust that God has my future in His hand and that everything He brings is good.
• So, how did they come out of all these trials in the ark? How did they respond after over a year in the ark? What did they say when the finally saw the destruction? Did they question God, rail against Him? No. They worshiped Him and sacrificed to Him. Genesis 8:20 They still trusted Him. What about me?

What a lot of lessons from this story! Jesus tells me that my job is to seek Him and He will take care of the rest. I must trust Him even when things are hard or aren’t going as I want. Noah exemplifies this concept. God took care of Him through it all - even through the difficult times. Chronic illnesses may bring hard times, but are part of God’s plan for me. He will take care of me through it all and do what I need in the midst of it! Amen!

Lessons From the Life of Christ

Originally posted March 2008

There have been a couple passages of Scripture that have encouraged and blessed my heart the past couple weeks. I just wanted to share a bit of what I have been learning.

First, in John 4:6-8 Jesus was weary and had to rest while his disciples went on ahead to “serve” by getting food. While he was resting, God had a plan for Him to reach someone else. God had a plan for His rest as He then met and witnessed to the woman at the well. Simple, yet profound!

When I shared this with a close friend, she reminded me of the time Jesus was actually sleeping in the boat while the disciples were rowing. As I was looking at those and related verses, I came to the following passages in Mark 6 and Matthew 14. I have heard and read these verses many times, but God really brought out several lessons that helped me when I studies them over the course of many days.

1. Jesus sent them to sea - He sent them into what He knew was going to be a hardship as He knew it was also best for them.
2. Even though He must have been exhausted after ministering to people all day, He went to pray.
3. Jesus saw them toiling on the sea, but didn’t come immediately. He didn’t come until the fourth watch.
4. He would have passed by them. He knew they were ok and that this trial would show them His power. But, when they cried out in fear, He was there for them. We (at least I) want out of trials immediately. God has a greater purpose. Also, He will not give me more than I can bear! (1 Cor 10:13; Psalm 103:14)
5. The disciples were afraid and in the midst of the storm. When Jesus came, at first they didn’t recognize His presence but thought their trial had gotten worse (a spirit on the waters). How often do I not recognize God’s hand of intervention in my life?
6. Jesus took the faith that Peter did show and acted on it. When Peter faltered again, He reached out to him, rebuked his lack of faith, but still helped him - this time immediately. This was a great comfort to me as I struggle on this journey
7. The storm was still raging until Jesus got into the ship.
8. After the storm, the disciples then worshipped, praised, and wondered at who Jesus was.

Will I rest in Christ?

Memorials

Originally posted March 2008

Joshua 4:7 Then ye shall answer them, That the waters of Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD; when it passed over Jordan, the waters of Jordan were cut off: and these stones shall be for a memorial unto the children of Israel for ever.

Through my chronic illnesses and time in God’s Word, I am learning so much. However, my memory is lax on remembering these lessons. A close friend encouraged me to make a memorial of these things that I am learning.

Since our apartment does not have room for a literal pile of rocks, I took her advice and drew my memorial and placed it in my Bible. Just making the memorial was a blessing as I reviewed what God has been teaching me.

Chronic illnesses can seem overwhelming on many days. Now, when I go through the periods of stubbornly denying my physical limitations, being tempted not to love or forgive the people God brings to me, or not trusting God, at a glance I can look at the verses that God has shown me and remember what He has taught me recently. I think that my “memorial rocks” are going to be a big help to me and thought I’d pass on the idea.

Warrior Thoughts

Originally posted March 2008

As I learn what it means to be God’s chronic warrior, I am finding that He is changing my perspective on the difficulties caused by my illnesses. So, I thought I would just share a couple examples of how my thinking is changing.

1. While I am waiting on the floor for help up (sometimes I am down there awhile waiting for my roommate to get home or my brother to come), it reminds me to pray for persecuted believers and refugees who also may be cold and sleeping on the floor.
2. When I have to remain in bed and can’t get things for myself, I pray for those who have much less than I do and still praise Him!
3. When the pain becomes unbearable, it reminds me to pray for those who are being persecuted for their faith.
4. When I’m too weak to make meals, I’m reminded to pray for the many who have not yet heard of the Bread of Life.
5. When I wake in the night, I first ask God who is in need of prayer before trying to immediately go back to sleep. Last week I learned that being a chronic warrior is hard work as many very difficult situations came up. It was spiritual warfare - even through the nights! But, God will give the victory!

These may seem like simple things, but it is exciting to see how God is changing my thinking from self to His Kingdom. I still have a lot of learning to do, but what an awesome God we serve! I’d love to hear how God is working through your illnesses, too!